


Distance

by MikazeAimi



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Drama, Love, M/M, RanAi, Ranmaru Kurosaki x Ai Mikaze - Freeform, Ranmaru x Ai, Self-Harm, Uta no Prince-sama - Freeform, Utapri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 23:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10292477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MikazeAimi/pseuds/MikazeAimi
Summary: Storybackground:The Mainstory was from another RP I played.You just have to know, that Ranmaru and Ai had sex often and Ai starts to fall in love with Ranmaru. Ranmaru noticed his own feelings for Ai, but because of his bad experiences with his family and former band he disregarded his feelings. So he starts to avoid Ai because he thought it would be better.. but it was already too late.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~!
> 
> There it is. My next translation of one of my older Fanfics. I'm starting to have fun with it. xD  
> Thanks again to my Kouhai **Elie** because she edited it again. ;3; Thaaaank you. 
> 
> Its more drama than everything else. Gomen nasai u_u  
> I even wrote first person for Ai. I thought it would be better to know what he thinks. Mostly because there was a version from Ranmaru too, but I didn't wrote this and Ai just replied to this.

**A persons past and memories are very lonely things**

Ranmaru is avoiding me for two weeks now. I suddenly don't exist as far as Ranmaru is concerned and he only talked to me about work. I guess I really am naive to believe that it would be like before. I thought that maybe he would feel the same. I was stupid and asked Ranmaru to not have sex with other people anymore and after this he changed. 

It hurts. It really hurts. The loneliness I felt years ago came back... even I am accompanied by this loneliness all the time. He was in my heart and showed me the truth: there was just darkness, only me. Alone. I couldn't trust someone because no one ever cared about me before. 

I grew up without a family and it was normal. I even have no friends and wasn't bothered by it. Until I met Ranmaru. Or rather when he started to use me for his little games. Of course it was okay for me, I started to enjoy it and I even thought about how interesting Ranmaru is. This is the first time I got interested with something or in this case, someone, beside music. Is it affection? It took a long time until I realized that it wasn't only friendship we have. A feeling that we were more than just band members. I like him, more than being bandmates, more than being friends. Until now. It doesn't matter what he did and how mean he was to me. 

A few days passes by and Ranmaru's cold side is back. I obviously felt that this coldness was for me alone. He tried to make clear that I should leave him alone.

The next day, I was standing in the shower I saw a blade right in front of me and I saw old pictures flashed before my eyes as I close them for a moment. 

It was a long time ago. Really long time ago when I didn't found another solution and tried to kill myself. Hakase found me in the right moment back then. Otherwise I would be... - well, let's stop there. I only tried it once. I started with short cuts which were healing really fast. But the loneliness grew inside me along with the cuts on my arm. I sliced in every direction, some deeper, others are not. I wanted to see the blood on my arm. I wanted to see how the blood mixed with the water and my tears. I didn't felt much pain this moment. I tried to numb the pain I felt inside... this pain is much stronger than the cuts I left on my body. 

Past memories were turning into the present. I can feel my heart hurting again and just took the blade and sliced above my arm. Steady, among each other, in one line. I couldn't cry this time, my body was just numb. 

The wounds were dried the next day, but it decorated my arm like a tattoo. I really thought it would get better and I could forget about Ranmaru, but it's not easy. We still share one room at Starish Villa. We lived together but didn't talk to each other. 

Every evening when I was alone I go back to the bathroom. Was searching for the blade I hid and repeated the whole thing.

I did it much deeper than before, in another direction. It looked like an odd Chessboard. The lines were crooked and lay close together...

I was cleaning the blade silently and hid it again. I wipe off my arm as long as no blood is coming out again. It wasn't still not deep enough. I carefully cleaned my arm from the blood and saw just a bit of the healthy skin I had left. No one would ever notice it. No one at this house and not even Ranmaru.

 

Days later when I didn't answer to a question about our lyrics Ranmaru starts to notice it. I was the one who dodged Ranmaru this time. I even run away from him for days. 

I run out of the house late noon this day and was hoping that Ranmaru didn't follow me. But I was wrong. Why? Why couldn't he leave me alone?

"Why are you running away," Ranmaru wanted to know. He sounds like he really was bugged by me and the chase made him breathless. He really isn't that young anymore. Internally I grinned over these thoughts. I painfully realized that this time was already over. I couldn't insult him out of fun and he would never call me 'princess' or would give me other nicknames. I never liked it, but it was special. 

Special because they were chosen by him...

I was forced to stay, Ranmaru grabbed my sleeve. Afraid of being caught I coiled my arms around me. Gladly he didn't saw a thing. We were outside in the garden, around us there were a lot of trees and bushes. In the middle of a gravel path. I tried to tell him to leave me alone but it didn't worked.

"Can you tell me what's wrong with you? You're running from me for days, I'm really pissed. I running out of patience," Ranmaru growled and looked straight into my eyes. 

"I want to be alone, okay? If you want to have sex... sorry then. Search for someone else.!" I said in monotone voice. I hit the mark I guess. There was this pain again, I wanted to hurt myself right now.

 

Finally he let go and walk away. I look after him, until he stopped and returned back to me. Our eyes met. Why? Why isn't he going? Why did he want to continue this game and hurt me? Even if I have a cold appearance and never show my feelings Ranmaru shouldn't do this. 

"Ai... I don't think that sex is the problem"

"I didn't say that!" I growled at him and stepped back. I pull my sleeves again and tried not to show my injuries. I was fighting with myself, with the tears, with my self-control... with everything. I had the feeling I would collapse again and will end up crying in front of him.

He wanted to know my problem again. What is it? That I was devoured by the loneliness since the moment he decided to ignore me? The fact that I wasn't the only one for him? That I can only think about him and the fact that he's sleeping with other people? That he's hurting me so much that I hurt myself to numb the pain in my heart? Does he want to hear this? That its his fault that I'm inflicting wounds to myself? That I don't want to live anymore? Does he really think that I can tell him all of this? I could never tell this to the person I really.... love. Is it even love? I don't know. I don't know the meaning of this word. I never have any experience with love.

I look at him with glassy eyes. My eyes must show what I really feel... how broken I already am. That may be the reason why he pulled me back into his arms, but I didn't move. I was shaking. I was afraid of him noticing it. I was afraid he would touch me somewhere where it was hurting. Not physical but psychological. I don't want it anymore. I knew he was just lying to me. I whimpered, he should release me, but the only thing he said was: "No." No... I just had to say this just from the beginning. 

"I hate you," I was sobbing. I can't hold back my tears anymore. I couldn't bear it anymore. I was still shaking and my tears won't stop. It made me weak when he is holding me and I feel his closeness...

I couldn't calm down. 

"Hey... it's okay. Stop crying now." Ranmaru said and pushed me away a bit so he could look at me. The moment I opened my eyes again I could feel that even he was overwhelmed. 

It was a relieving feeling when he strokes over my cheeks and tried to stop my tears. I feel safe, something that I know doesn't exist. Maybe I'm just imagining it.

"A real man doesn't cry."

"I'm not a real man...," I answered. My voice was hoarse from crying. Sure... I'm only 16, far from beeing a man.

"That's true... only girls cry like this." Ranmaru respond. 

"You then have a reason for calling me... Princess," I said. 

The next thing I did was the biggest mistake I ever could have done. I lifted my hand, stroke above my eyes and shoved my sleeve to the top. This way Ranmaru could see the injuries. And he did, he saw it immediately I couldn't even react. Too much thoughts were in my head, I could only hear how furious he is. He asked me what this crap is and his grasp on my arm is getting tighter. 

"Is this the reason why you are running from me?" he asked seriously as he holds my arm.

"Of course. I didn't want you to see it," I said. But this wasn't the only reason. I just couldn't be near to you. I couldn't bear it to see you but to know that its already over. Something was over that wasn't supposed to be there. It is only a sexual relationship. You're only interested in my body. You were with me because no one else was there. 

"Whose fault do you think it is?" I asked. It lead to the fact that he was the one who did this to me. And there it is... I really said it, even if I never wanted him to know. 

"Am I this awful?" He asked. Awful? That isn't the right word for it. But I couldn't answer him. He was perfect. He's all I ever wanted. His nature, his acting, just everything. Besides the fact that he sleeps with everyone. But it doesn't help. I couldn't anymore.

He stands right in front of me, he was talking to me but I can't seem to hear anything. This was the moment, when I tripped back to him, clinged on him until I was back into his arms. 

There were tears again. I pressed my face against Ranmaru and tried to talk properly to him. I tried to tell him what's wrong. I told him about my loneliness and I told him he really should leave me alone if he isn't serious. I didn't want to be a toy. Everything, but not a toy. 

Ranmaru apologized indirectly to me. Which is unexpected. I lifted my head and I smiled gently and painfully at the same time. But what would happen next? I couldn't claim him as mine for I know how he is. I knew it just from the beginning. 

But then he told me something I didn't expect. Something I never dreamt about.

"I love you." I look into his eyes. I blinked a couple of times because of the tears.

"I won't repeat it... being sentimental isn't like me," he said. I actually don't wanted to believe it. I coudn't believe it... or maybe?

Do I want this? But this is what I've always wanted to happen but I didnt want it if he only says this because I feel bad. 

"Please... don't joke around. Don't be so... mean," I respond. I could hear my heart shattering again when I heard Ranmaru's next word... just for a moment...

"I like being mean," he said and destroyed everything again. For a short time. For a really short time. 

"But this time... I'm serious", he finished his sentence. And somehow I believe him this time. I really did...


End file.
